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2020: The Year of Me

2020 Happy New Year Pinterest
Image from Pinterest.

2019 has been a rough year for me. I lost one of the most important people in my life, someone I never imagined I’d have to face life without. My best friend who while I know is no longer in pain, I still miss as if she passed away just yesterday. Dealing with the grief I feel over her loss has been one of the hardest things I’ve gone through, especially knowing as I experience 2020, she won’t be here this year. While I’m currently doing fine right now, I won’t say her loss hasn’t changed me in some way like losing someone you care about tends to do.

Erin and I At the Beach
One of my favorite pictures of my best friend and I at the beach for her birthday.

It’s made this year difficult. As I experience certain moments in life, I’m constantly reminded that I can no longer talk to her about what’s going on and it sucks. It reminds me of how short life is for all of us and how much I wish she were here experiencing life with me.

2019 hasn’t been all bad though. I’ve had some good moments during this past year too, like starting my new job at China Jushi USA in May and being one of the bridesmaids during my sister’s wedding in November. I’ve also made some new friends through a video game I’ve recently been playing on my PlayStation 4 I bought for myself in 2019, Final Fantasy XIV that I talk to on almost a daily basis along with reconnecting with some old friends too who’ve also had the same loss I’ve been experiencing.

Laney and I At Her Wedding 2019
My sister and I at her wedding reception.

So, while 2019 has been a rough year, I’ve also seen some good come out of this past year for me too. Yes, 2019 wasn’t the year I was hoping it would be, but I know it helped shape me into the woman I am today. So, for that, I’m grateful, even though it means beginning a new year without one of the most important people in my life.

What I want 2020 to be for me is a year of taking care of myself. I spend so much of my time and energy worrying about other people that I don’t stop and think about what I want out of life. So, I hope for 2020 to spend some time doing things for myself that make me happy, like continuing writing here on my blog and continuing pursuing other passions I love.

I also want 2020 to be a year of learning and growth for me. With that in mind, since I work for a Chinese company, I want to learn Chinese. I’ve already started the process a little by downloading Duolingo on my phone and using it a little each day. However, I also plan on looking into other avenues for learning Chinese so if anyone here has gone through the process of learning another language and knows a good tool I can use, don’t hesitate to let me know in the comments section of this post.

So, for 2020, I hope to continue growing into the woman I’m meant to be while pursuing passions I love and putting my genuine self out into the world.

But enough about me. What all do you hope to get out of 2020 and how has it been treating you so far? Leave a comment below because I’d love nothing more than to hear from you.

Grieving the Loss of a Dear Friend

Erin and I Great Strides Walk May 2017

My heart feels so shattered right now. This week has been one of the hardest weeks of my life. My best friend, who I’ve known since my freshman year of high school, passed away on Wednesday, February 13th. She was fighting for her life against cystic fibrosis, a genetic disease that affects a person’s lungs and their ability to breathe, the pancreas and other parts of their body.

While I knew this day would eventually come (people with cystic fibrosis don’t have a long life span, most nowadays live until their 30’s and there’s still no cure), it still doesn’t make it any less hard for me to deal with the grief I’ve been experiencing since her passing. She was a good friend, someone I truly trusted with all my heart and soul, who cared a lot about everyone she encountered. She was strong too, always putting on a brave face even when she was in pain fighting against this terrible disease. In our friendship, I always felt like I could truly be myself around her and could talk to her about anything and everything.

She was the best friend I could ever ask for. It feels like just yesterday we were talking and creating memories together. I remember moments from high school, like some of the classes we had together and when we’d eat lunch on the senior balcony during senior year. Also, recent moments too from during and after I was done in college, like when we went to the zoo together with her oldest son, went to the beach with another friend because she loved the ocean, and whenever I went with her when she decided she wanted tattoos. There are so many other moments that stand out to me in our friendship, but these are some of the best ones. Now, she’s no longer here and I feel like a piece of me went with her when she passed away.

Erin and I At the Zoo June 2014

I know the next few weeks will be extremely difficult for everyone she cares about. She’s left behind so many good people who care so much about her along with a wonderful husband and her two young children who’ll now live without a mother. But I feel extremely lucky and grateful to have met her and know that our friendship will always hold a special place in my heart. I know one day, I’ll get to meet her again very soon, and that lessens the pain of her loss. Until then best friend, I want you to know I love you so much and can’t wait to see you again.

If you’re reading this post, if you can, please donate to the Go Fund Me page me and a couple of her friends have set up to help her husband and kids during this difficult time or donate to your local cystic fibrosis organization in honor of my best friend’s memory.

My heart is hurting, but I’m glad my dear friend isn’t suffering anymore.

If We Were Having Coffee: Taking a Chance on Life

If We Were Having Coffee 06

Hello everyone! I hope you’ve been having a wonderful week like I have. I know last weekend, I unpacked a lot on you about what’s been going on in my life lately. Chances are high that I’ll be doing the same this weekend too, but for different reasons. Some things I haven’t shared with you yet that I’ve wanted to share. Not because I don’t trust any of you, just had something else I had to do first before I could acknowledge what I’m about to share with you today.

So I think I’ll start with that. This week, I made the not so difficult decision to quit my previous place of employment. I quit the job I’ve mentioned in the past that I’ve hated so much because there’s so much drama, and the environment hasn’t been healthy for me. To give an example, I had a panic attack at that job one day during one of our rushes. It was really hot there and just felt like I couldn’t breathe, but I couldn’t get a second to calm my anxiety down because we had a rush come through. It was so bad that not only couldn’t I breathe but I cried in frustration over it because I kept messing up everyone’s orders. I also had one night while I was still working there where I couldn’t sleep because I was having really bad chest pain. It was to the point where I was mentally debating on whether I should go to the hospital. I didn’t end up going, and the pain eventually went away. But it was still on the back of my mind even when I ended up being okay. There’s also the fact that management wasn’t necessarily the best and made it hard for me to even want to come in to work. There’ve been many days at that job where I was tempted to just walk out and not look back. Because management didn’t reprimand the people who weren’t doing their jobs. They also made a fuss at us about silly things, like complaining to my coworkers one day before I’d clocked in that we were using the bathroom too much. I found this out from one of my coworkers when I came in and didn’t know whether to laugh or cry about the whole thing. So instead, my coworker and I made the decision to time each other when we went to use the bathroom. It became our little joke because we just couldn’t take that complaint seriously.

This job was getting to the point where it was affecting my health. So I knew once it reached that point, it was time for me to get out of there. No matter what happened, I knew this place wasn’t where I wanted to be at in my life. While I had so many fond memories at my college, I knew it was time for me to go. To move on, to make a change in my life for the better by putting all of my effort into a job I actually enjoyed going to every day. To take a chance in my life and see where it takes me. Because while there were things about that job I enjoyed, there were even more things about it I was starting to hate. And comparing the two things together, I realized how much being there isn’t worth all of it anymore. I know life doesn’t always give you the opportunities you want and that you have to make the most of what you’re given, but you also have to realize to let go of things in life that are causing you pain too.

And that’s what I did once I turned in my two weeks’ notice.  I felt like this whole weight was lifted off my chest and this sense of peace washed over me. I was at so much peace that when I walked off campus, I skipped on my way back to the car. I was so giddy knowing I was done there for good that I felt like I could conquer the world.

The only thing that was good about that job is what I want to talk about now. I hate that I’ve kept this such a secret online these past couple months, but I hope this post will remedy that. During the course of these past seven months, I’ve been seeing someone. One of my coworkers from that job, to be exact. He and I’ve been talking to each other months after my last relationship ended in heartbreak. I knew him before because of the job, but I was attending college there so our interactions at the time were very few and far between. We didn’t really talk outside of work during those days because I was more focused on finishing my education and getting my degree. I was also seeing someone near the end of my last year of college until that relationship ended in heartbreak, and he wasn’t working there at the time. I don’t remember when he came back to that job other than it was after I had my heart broken by my ex, and I was still dealing with it. But we started talking outside of work. He was interested in being more than friends. At the time, I wasn’t because I’d just had my heart broken months before and needed time to get over my last relationship before getting involved with someone else. I didn’t think it would be fair to get in a relationship with someone when my thoughts were still on another man.

So we continued talking, using this time to get to know each other even better. It was during this point when I eventually realized that I was starting to feel the same way he did about me. So when he asked me out, I took a chance and said yes. I could sense these feelings were beginning to become something more and didn’t see a reason to ignore them anymore. It took me awhile to accept my last relationship ending, but I didn’t see the point in reflecting too much on it anymore. I realized instead of reflecting on the past, I needed to embrace the present in order to live for the future. If there’s a possibility I could build a future with someone else, why not try and see what happens?

William has become one of the best things that came to me from that job. He’s very supportive of everything I do. He listens when I need someone to talk my feelings to and doesn’t waver in his devotion to me and making sure I’m doing okay. He’s not only the friend I can always count on, but someone I find myself falling even deeper for with every interaction we have and every moment we spend together. We might not always agree on everything and argue from time to time, but we never go to sleep angry with each other. When things get bad, we talk about our problems and do whatever we can to sort them out. We don’t let our problems stop us from talking to each other. Instead, we use our problems as a way to see what we can do to improve our relationship and make adjustments where we see fit. We work together and build each other up instead of tearing each other down.

William truly knows how to make me happy. He makes me feel not so alone and lets me know I’m loved. I hope I do the same as he does for me. As our relationship continues to grow, I know he’ll be there for me even in the darkest of times. I hope to do the same in return because I hate to see him hurt and care about him very much.

William, if you’re reading this (which I’m sure you will be at some point) I want you to know I love you so much. You’ve made these past couple months some of the happiest for me. I want you to know I care so much about you and can’t wait to see where our relationship will go from here. We might have some moments where we want nothing to do with each other, but I know we can work through whatever hoops life decides to throw at us. As long as you have my back, I know there isn’t anything in life I can’t accomplish. But I can’t imagine doing anything in life without you. Thank you for having my back these past couple months and being the rock I needed to get through some of the most difficult moments of my life.

The reason we kept our relationship a secret online is because we both still worked at that job. We weren’t sure how they’d feel about us dating and figured it would be best not to say anything until we both got away from there. But we didn’t keep it completely a secret. Our closest friends and family knew about our relationship. We just didn’t post anything about it online until this week when we both decided to quit that job. It was something we both wanted to do for the longest time now, and figured there’s nothing keeping us from doing it now.

I’m completely glad to have someone in my life like William. He’s really one of the best things in my life and I couldn’t be any happier. If I get the chance and with William’s permission, I hope to have a picture of us together sometime in the near future posted here on my blog.

There really isn’t too much else this week that’s happened for me besides quitting my job and William and I making our relationship official online. Or let me put it this way, anything that isn’t quite as exciting or interesting that you’d like to know about. I hope you all are having a wonderful weekend and can’t wait to hear about what’s happened in your life this week.

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