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Missing You (Poem)

So last year, I wrote this poem in reference to the passing away of a friend of mine in 2019. I never did anything with the poem and stumbled upon it today while working on another task and realized how much I actually did want to share it here on my blog. I know after my last blog post I want to bring into 2021 the process of continuing my healing, but also want to share something with you all that I’m sure you can relate to if you’ve ever lost a loved one and are still grieving that loss today. Because loosing a loved one is never an easy grief to deal with, I feel like this poem will resonate strongly with people and should be shared so others know they aren’t alone. So without further introduction, here is a poem I’ve written titled “Missing You”:

Missing You

Yearning for
A friend that cannot be replaced.

A missing presence
That cannot be ignored.

A voice I can no longer hear
When I need someone to calm my fears.

Almost a year has passed
Since you left my life involuntarily.

But I miss you just as much now
As I did before.

Your friendship meant the world to me,
More than you’ll ever know.

Missing you,
Has opened a void that can’t be erased.

Has left my heart broken,
Drying off my tears.

But I know you would want nothing more
Then for me to live on and be happy.

So for you, my dear friend,
I live on with you in my memory.

So while I’m missing you,
I also know I’ll see you again one day soon.

So this poem isn’t me saying goodbye,
But me telling you, I’ll see you again soon.

           

           

3

Writing My Truth

I know it’s been a solid while since I’ve written here on my blog. The hiatus I unexpectedly took wasn’t at all planned, just was something that happened. I don’t know why—well, I have a couple theories at least as to why I just vanished off the blogosphere for most of 2020. I know this year has been rough for almost everyone with what all’s been going on, from COVID 19 ravaging the world to here in the US having our elections and all the craziness that’s going on with Trump not accepting his loss. 

For me, it’s been a whole lot rougher than I expected. I think the biggest reason being that it’s my first year without having my best friend to talk to. And to tell the truth, I’ve been struggling with dealing with that loss. I think it impacted me a lot more than I expected to where I just couldn’t write for a while. Losing her literally put me at a loss of words, the grief was that powerful for me.

I also think what doesn’t help is that I struggle with depression and anxiety. I get into a deep sadness where all I want to do is sleep and not wake up and cry with no provocation. I’ve been struggling with it for a while, I want to say since we left my Mom’s abusive marriage. I’ve just never put it into words or admitted it because I didn’t realize it was something I had for the longest time. It wasn’t until I was in college and I’d have moments where I’d cry in my sleep that I realized something was up. But even then, I didn’t realize it was depression because it was like I just couldn’t accept it that something was the matter with me. It wasn’t really until this year that I accepted I had depression and that I needed to tell my doctor and family about it. And even now, I’m still dealing with it in different ways. I’m taking medication prescribed by my doctor for it, which I know only does so much.

I know there’s still more I need to do about it, but I am working on it. One step at a time, one day at a time because that’s what I can do. Focus on what’s going on in front of me and keep moving forward. But I am okay, doing a lot better than I have been. This blog post is proof of that because I hadn’t been writing as much lately until these past couple days. Been playing video games and focusing on work more than anything.

Been moving forward in life too, because I moved into an apartment with the love of my life at the end of July. It’s small and cozy, but perfect as a temporary home for us until we’re able to save up for a bigger place. I also received a raise in October from my job. Not by much mind you (2% increase is what I was told, which is the highest they give to employees apparently), but still better than nothing. Work has also been busy in general too, leaving me most days feeling physically exhausted by the time I make it home. But I don’t mind because my job has never been slow or uneventful for me. Just tires me out more than I’m used to, especially having to wake up to be ready and at my desk by 7am. I’ve been working for this company since May last year and I’m still not used to when I get up to begin my day.

But yes, I’m doing a hell of a lot better now. I haven’t been reading and writing as much lately, which I’m hoping to change now because I’m ready to be out of this rut I’ve been in. However, I’ve also been enjoying the video games I’ve been playing on my PlayStation 4 as well. In this time of solitary isolation with my love, I find them to be a good way to relax and destress from a busy day. Maybe I’ll write about some of them here so I can tell you why I’ve been enjoying them so much, why they’ve been such a wonderful distraction for me in my life when I’ve needed it.

I want you all to know though, that I’m extremely thankful for each one of you who’s still here even though I’ve been gone for so long. I’ve been meaning to come back way sooner, but I really feel like life got so crazy and draining for me this year that I needed to be away and didn’t even know it. So I apologize for being gone for so long and I’ll try my best for it not to become a habit.

I also want you all to know I’m okay. Seriously, I’m doing good. I wouldn’t say that with such conviction if I truly didn’t mean it. Do I have bad days where I don’t want to do anything at all, but lay in bed? Yes, that’s part of the sadness I have to deal with. However, I’m not going to let it control me or rule my life. I’ll deal with the moments when they come, but I’ll conquer them each and every time. Because I believe in myself, know that everything is going to be okay and that I’ll get through it. I also know what I need to do for myself to get through them because I’ve dealt with them enough already to know how to handle it.

I just wanted to let you all know that. Just wanted to write my truth on here about what’s been going on with me and let you all know I’m fine. And I’m going to try from here on out not let this be a habit. I’ll make sure that if there’s a next time I take a long time away from blogging to let it be known here so that if any of you were worrying about me, you’ll know I’m okay.

I hope you all are doing well during this time. I know 2020 has been a really rough year, so I want to know if you are okay. And if you aren’t, that’s also fine too. Just know I’m here and that if you ever need to reach out to someone, I’ll gladly listen to whatever you have to say.  

3

2020: The Year of Me

2020 Happy New Year Pinterest
Image from Pinterest.

2019 has been a rough year for me. I lost one of the most important people in my life, someone I never imagined I’d have to face life without. My best friend who while I know is no longer in pain, I still miss as if she passed away just yesterday. Dealing with the grief I feel over her loss has been one of the hardest things I’ve gone through, especially knowing as I experience 2020, she won’t be here this year. While I’m currently doing fine right now, I won’t say her loss hasn’t changed me in some way like losing someone you care about tends to do.

Erin and I At the Beach
One of my favorite pictures of my best friend and I at the beach for her birthday.

It’s made this year difficult. As I experience certain moments in life, I’m constantly reminded that I can no longer talk to her about what’s going on and it sucks. It reminds me of how short life is for all of us and how much I wish she were here experiencing life with me.

2019 hasn’t been all bad though. I’ve had some good moments during this past year too, like starting my new job at China Jushi USA in May and being one of the bridesmaids during my sister’s wedding in November. I’ve also made some new friends through a video game I’ve recently been playing on my PlayStation 4 I bought for myself in 2019, Final Fantasy XIV that I talk to on almost a daily basis along with reconnecting with some old friends too who’ve also had the same loss I’ve been experiencing.

Laney and I At Her Wedding 2019
My sister and I at her wedding reception.

So, while 2019 has been a rough year, I’ve also seen some good come out of this past year for me too. Yes, 2019 wasn’t the year I was hoping it would be, but I know it helped shape me into the woman I am today. So, for that, I’m grateful, even though it means beginning a new year without one of the most important people in my life.

What I want 2020 to be for me is a year of taking care of myself. I spend so much of my time and energy worrying about other people that I don’t stop and think about what I want out of life. So, I hope for 2020 to spend some time doing things for myself that make me happy, like continuing writing here on my blog and continuing pursuing other passions I love.

I also want 2020 to be a year of learning and growth for me. With that in mind, since I work for a Chinese company, I want to learn Chinese. I’ve already started the process a little by downloading Duolingo on my phone and using it a little each day. However, I also plan on looking into other avenues for learning Chinese so if anyone here has gone through the process of learning another language and knows a good tool I can use, don’t hesitate to let me know in the comments section of this post.

So, for 2020, I hope to continue growing into the woman I’m meant to be while pursuing passions I love and putting my genuine self out into the world.

But enough about me. What all do you hope to get out of 2020 and how has it been treating you so far? Leave a comment below because I’d love nothing more than to hear from you.

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Book Review: We Are Okay

We Are Okay Book Cover

Rating: 3.5 stars

“You go through life thinking there’s so much you need…

Until you leave with only your phone, your wallet, and a picture of your mother.”

Marin hasn’t spoken to anyone from her old life since the day she left everything behind. No one knows the truth about those final weeks. Not even her best friend, Mabel. But even thousands of miles away from the California coast, at college in New York, Marin still feels the pull of the life and tragedy she’s tried to outrun. Now, months later, alone in an emptied dorm for winter break, Marin waits. Mabel is coming to visit, and Marin will be forced to face everything that’s been left unsaid and finally confront the loneliness that has made a home in her heart.

We Are Okay is a book that leaves me with mixed feelings about what I think of it overall. I enjoyed reading it because I can relate to the content within its pages. But at the same time, I also struggled with the story because of the way Marin decided to handle her grief.

What I loved about this story was the subject matter, the shift between past and present in each chapter, and Marin’s relationship with her best friend Mabel. I found this story heavily relatable to me because I too have lost someone very close to me recently. So, I could understand the feelings Nina LaCour used with Marin to describe the overall grief she felt at her grandfather’s passing. I felt sympathetic to her character as she dealt with this loss while going through what’s supposed to be one of the most exciting moments in your life: going to college. I can’t imagine how tough it must’ve been for her being at that college, knowing she doesn’t have anyone left in her family that she could talk to about her first day of school and starting the road to becoming an adult. Just reading the story from Marin’s perspective, knowing how lonely she was feeling despite having other people who cared about her reminded me of the grief I’ve been dealing with since the passing of my best friend. Even though I know I have people who care about me and that are here for me, I completely understood Marin’s feelings in this story. So, for me, this story did a wonderful job of talking about grief, loss, depression, and loneliness when it comes to losing someone you deeply care about.

One of the aspects of We Are Okay that I loved is the shift LaCour does between Marin’s past from before her grandfather passed away and her life presently. I felt like this shift as readers allowed us to see more into Marin’s life from before everything changed for her. It also allowed us as readers to see the dynamic between Marin and grandfather, which gave us an even better understanding as to why she made the decisions she did. There’s a lot we don’t know about him when we’re first introduced to Marin so by having these different chapters, we as readers are given the chance to learn more about his character and about Marin too.

Seeing the relationship between Marin and her best friend Mabel was also something I really enjoyed when reading this book. You can tell with Marin that she really loved her best friend with all her heart. And while things with their relationship didn’t go the way you as the reader hoped, I was glad that despite everything that happened since Marin left California for college, Mabel still wanted to be there for Marin and be a part of her life. I found seeing that in their beautiful friendship wonderful. Reading about their friendship reminded me of my friendship with my best friend, even though our friendship was not like theirs at all. But I still found it relatable because my friendship with her was similar in that we were always there for each other whenever it really mattered, just like Mabel wanted to be there for Marin during this difficult moment in her life.

However, there are some things with We Are Okay that I didn’t like as well. For starters, I felt like the pacing of the story sometimes moved a little slow. While I understood why that was the case in that since she was dealing with this loss, Marin was experiencing a lot of feelings, such as depression, loneliness and isolation and LaCour wanted to show us, readers, how these feelings were affecting her. And while she did a good job showing us that, I felt like the story could’ve moved on a little bit more in showing us Mabel’s visit and the conversations they had while she was there.

While I understood Marin’s decision to leave California and everyone she knew there behind to go to college in New York, I felt like the way she handled it wasn’t the best. I get she wasn’t in the right state of mind when everything happened, so she was reacting in an irrational manner because of her grief and the anger she was feeling towards her grandfather. But she also had a circle of people left who cared about her that she could’ve confided in when this all happened so she wouldn’t have had to deal with her feelings alone. They were trying to reach out to her to make sure she was okay, and she ignored them all instead once she left. So, while I understood why she made this decision, at the same time, I still think she shouldn’t have too because these people that cared about her were worried about her and wanted to be there for her during this difficult moment in her life.

This is why I’m struggling with what I think about We Are Okay as a whole. Because I enjoyed reading this book, due to being able to relate to the subject matter and feeling empathetic with her character. But I also wasn’t okay with Marin’s decision to leave behind the people she had left that cared about her. So overall, I did enjoy it but have some criticisms with it too that I felt needed to be addressed. I definitely plan on reading more books by this author in the near future, such as Hold Still to see if she has any other books I’d enjoy.

 

6

Grieving the Loss of a Dear Friend

Erin and I Great Strides Walk May 2017

My heart feels so shattered right now. This week has been one of the hardest weeks of my life. My best friend, who I’ve known since my freshman year of high school, passed away on Wednesday, February 13th. She was fighting for her life against cystic fibrosis, a genetic disease that affects a person’s lungs and their ability to breathe, the pancreas and other parts of their body.

While I knew this day would eventually come (people with cystic fibrosis don’t have a long life span, most nowadays live until their 30’s and there’s still no cure), it still doesn’t make it any less hard for me to deal with the grief I’ve been experiencing since her passing. She was a good friend, someone I truly trusted with all my heart and soul, who cared a lot about everyone she encountered. She was strong too, always putting on a brave face even when she was in pain fighting against this terrible disease. In our friendship, I always felt like I could truly be myself around her and could talk to her about anything and everything.

She was the best friend I could ever ask for. It feels like just yesterday we were talking and creating memories together. I remember moments from high school, like some of the classes we had together and when we’d eat lunch on the senior balcony during senior year. Also, recent moments too from during and after I was done in college, like when we went to the zoo together with her oldest son, went to the beach with another friend because she loved the ocean, and whenever I went with her when she decided she wanted tattoos. There are so many other moments that stand out to me in our friendship, but these are some of the best ones. Now, she’s no longer here and I feel like a piece of me went with her when she passed away.

Erin and I At the Zoo June 2014

I know the next few weeks will be extremely difficult for everyone she cares about. She’s left behind so many good people who care so much about her along with a wonderful husband and her two young children who’ll now live without a mother. But I feel extremely lucky and grateful to have met her and know that our friendship will always hold a special place in my heart. I know one day, I’ll get to meet her again very soon, and that lessens the pain of her loss. Until then best friend, I want you to know I love you so much and can’t wait to see you again.

If you’re reading this post, if you can, please donate to the Go Fund Me page me and a couple of her friends have set up to help her husband and kids during this difficult time or donate to your local cystic fibrosis organization in honor of my best friend’s memory.

My heart is hurting, but I’m glad my dear friend isn’t suffering anymore.

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